last night Aiden had a little party...he woke up every hour after 1am. ;) gotta love that! especially on a work day. Tim has been battling a really bad flu bug and he usually takes AJ to the sitter while i take Haylee to school every morning. well today he told me he's running a fever again and very weak. i didn't want him dealing with the baby or Haylee so i called in to work. sometime before that though {approximately 3am when i looked at the lime green clock in Aiden's nursery} i got very very sad.
i thought i could handle working full time, doing photography part time, being a mom of a {very busy} 8 year old and a {sweet, snuggly, nursing} 3.5 month old, being a wife, cooking dinner and keeping my house in some sort of order. but i was wrong. i am struggling. it's only been one week on our "new" schedule and i'm being very closed minded toward it. it's just NOT how i envisioned my life at all. so, i cried. i cried and cried and nursed my sweet snuggly baby boy at 3am. i prayed Tim was sleeping soundly so he wouldn't hear me on the baby monitor. i prayed. i feel overwhelmed God, i really need a healthy balance and right now i can't focus on anything let alone one of the things in my life and i feel like i'm sinking. i feel like my baby boy is growing up and i'm not going to enjoy each and every milestone because he's at a sitter all darn day from 8-5:30pm monday through friday. i hate myself every time Haylee has a field trip or a class party or some big special event, hell...even her Brownie meetings {that start at 4pm every other Fri}...i can't be there for her AT ALL for any of these things. i feel like i'm failing AS A MOM. and it hurts. it really really hurts God. please help me and save me and please it feels like my burden is much to heavy and i'm feeling so so guilty. i want something to change.
yes, it was a heavy topic to discuss {between me and God} at 3am. not to mention i felt sleep deprived, so i'm sure a lot of those emotions stemmed from that. but this is how i feel. before i had kids i never imagined myself as a stay-at-home-mom, at all! i am a busy person that has to keep busy and i'm forever on the go with things to do. well, then came Haylee and my whole world changed. i got out of the Air Force and stayed at home with her for 3 years of her life. i got to experience a lot of milestones in those 3 years! it was a blessing! with Aiden - he has the MOST amazing sitter EVER and i KNOW that God has placed Jessica in our lives because she came along at the best time, when we needed her. Aiden adores her. his face lights up when he sees her. it's a perfect match and i couldn't think of anyone else {besides me} that i would have watch him because she gives him the attention he needs. ;) very blessed to have her. that being said, i am sad i cannot be home with my baby. i miss him dearly. i was very happy i got to spend his first 3 months together, but i feel like i am missing out on so much of his life. i miss our nursing/bonding time because now we bond only half of his feedings and he gets a bottle {four times a day} from Jessica.
i just didn't expect to feel this way i guess. i thought i knew myself better. it's very hard. i get home LATE. i don't fix dinner, Tim does. i barely see Haylee, Tim does. i get to feed the baby as soon as i get home, then hand him off to Tim so i can eat dinner {we can't eat as a family because it interferes with other things like homework and shower time for Haylee} and fix Aiden's bottles for the next day. i put the kids to bed at 9pm and then i crash very shortly after. i don't even have enough energy to watch tv or spend time with my husband. i hate hate hate this schedule. i feel like i'm wasting my time, i don't know where God wants me to go with photography. i feel like i'm doing well in it, but at the same time i'm in a RUT and i can't just do photography, i need some sort of other income in order to make what i'm making now. on the other hand i love my job too. the people respect me, everyone likes me, everyone's nice, it's a good place for me to be. i don't want to be there forever, but i'm so happy God put me there.
i honestly don't know what to do right now. i'm praying, at 3am and other times, and after many tears today {throughout the day} i realized that i'm focusing on the WRONG things. God knows me, He understands my heart, He knows what i YEARN for on a daily basis. HE IS IN CONTROL. sometimes i forget. funny thing...i get these Bible verses in my email everyday and quite honestly i don't even read them, i delete them and don't even open them anymore. well today as i was feeding Aiden i opened up my Gmail and Aiden's hand accidentally bumped one of my emails open...you guessed it, it was one of those Bible verse message things and right away it caught my eye....
Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed,
for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes,
I will help you, I will uphold you with My
righteous right hand.'
( Isaiah 41:10 *NKJV )
can you believe it? it touched my heart. i knew right then it was a sign from God. :) it just made me smile and reminds me that my worrying about what i'm going to do with my life right now is none of my concern. it is God's. He is in control over it and He doesn't want me to be a mess about it, He's going to help me and hold me up. so grateful i am HIS child.
i have no idea what is going to happen in 2011. but i know that i have a God who cares and He is not going to let me fail. He has given me a gift {photography} and He isn't going to just let that go stagnant. He knows my heart for my children, for my family and my schedule. i just have to continue to have faith.
2 comments:
Melissa yes you are right God is in control and your life will straighten out and go more smoothly as time goes on..I understand completely how hard it is and I thank God He has made you the smart, strong women you are today and He will make the pathway for you to have what you need. And to feel good about all things. Yes I believe that verse was a sign from God and I will be praying for what you need too. I love you honey.
You can do this Melissa. I was much in the same place as you and just remember each day does get easier. You will have set backs along the way but God is there to help you back up on your feet. Take it one day at a time. Now my little Henry is older it is much easier, I am more rested, and am finding it a bit easier to balance my time between everything. You are a wonderful Mom and both your kids know it. Sending you love today. You are not alone out there.
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